Exactly What I Deserve

Lately, whenever someone asks me how Avery is, my answer is "fiercely independent". I know that every grandma out there wishes that their son/daughter will have a child that acts just like their mom or dad did growing up. Well, I guess my mom got her wish. While I don't recall everything about my childhood, I do know that I was pretty proud of my independence and strong will throughout college. I would proudly tell people "I am an independent woman!"...shoot, I even worked it into my wedding vows.
Well, all of that independence has come back to bite me in the butt. Here are a a few examples of my daughter's payback to me:

She has a new found love for trying on all of the clothes in her closet, including coats, dresses, barrettes, bathing suits, summer cloths, and panties. She also changes her own "big girl panties" (pull-ups) a few times a day. Now, I wouldn't complain if she only changed her diaper when she was wet. The problem is that she changes her "panties" numerous times, only because she wants a different princess on the front. Apparently, Snow White is NOT ACCEPTABLE to pee on.

If I take too long to get her something to drink (like..I take 10 seconds instead of the expected 2 seconds), she will get a stool, push it to the kitchen sink and grab whatever cup she can find. She'll then take it to the fridge and fill it up with water, which results in a huge mess.

Speaking of stools. She LOVES our stools. We made a smart (but regrettable) decision to put felt on the bottom on our stools and chairs as to not scratch the hard wood floor. Well, it makes it a little too convenient for one little miss. Those stools are her favorite tool. She uses them to access anything and everything out of reach. Sink?...yes...Cupboards?...totally reachable....Snack Pantry...completely within reach.

Just today, Avery brought down the shirt (too small tank top) that she wore yesterday (that she picked herself). She wore it inside out yesterday, and it had little marks from her art project...lots of little marker marks, so it was pretty dirty. I had already told her that she couldn't wear it to bed last night, because it was dirty. I then told her again today that she couldn't wear it for the same reason. Well, about an hour ago, she brings down said shirt, marches right past me, and says "I wash this shirt". I immediately followed her, totally expecting to find her elbow deep in water in the sink. Instead I found that she had put the shirt in the washing machine..AND STARTED IT! We have a new front loader that involved 3 different steps to get started...and she did it correctly. The only thing she forgot was the soap.

On more than one occasion, I have walked into the bathroom to find pee in the little potty chair. This means that Avery has been peeing in the potty on her own...sometimes in the big potty and other times in her little potty. She pulls everything down, pees, (sometimes empties out the little potty bowl herself) wipes, and flushes. Now, this would be VERY good news if it happened everytime she had to go, and not just every once in a while.

On the last nice, warm day that we had, I took the kids outside to play. They ran ahead to the swingset next door. When I got to the set, I looked into the "clubhouse" part of the set, and couldn't see Avery. As I walked around, I saw her...she had climbed up and decided to come down the fireman's pole on her own! Now, this clubhouse is at least 6 feet off the ground, and Avery has to JUMP in order to grab the pole. Well...she did it, and slid down about halfway before I could get to her...it scared the bejeezus out of me! She looked right at me and said "see mama..I not hurt...I BIG."

Finally...one of my favorite recent stories happened when we were at my mom's house. As my mom loaded Avery into her carseat, she attempted to turn on her DVD player so Av could watch a movie on the long ride home. Well, for some reason, my mom couldn't figure out how to open the DVD player. I was attempting to explain it to her from the front seat, while Avery was also trying to instruct her as to what button to push. As I walked around the car to show my mom, Avery still attempted to point to the button my mom needed to push. Finally, Avery undid her own carseat, and said (in an exasperated tone), "I do it Franma" (accompanied by a sigh)....

See Mom...watch what you ask for...you just might get it!

TV....My dark master

I have a problem... I love TV. I watch way too much. I don't watch it during the day (although it's always on...either on Noggin, Nick Jr, Disney, or the Sirius Kid's radio station). My problem is night time TV. Chris and I (mostly me) have our own TV schedule. Luckily, we have DVR, so we can stop and pause appropriately and work around Avery's schedule. Here is our sickening schedule...

Sunday: Desperate Housewives/Big Love/Flight of the Concords (we usually watch FOTC at a different time)
Monday: Big Bang Theory/How I Met Your Mother/Heroes
Tuesday: Biggest Loser/ Nip/Tuck
Wednesday: Lost/Top Chef
Thursday: The Office/30 Rock/Grey's Anatomy
Friday: NOTHING
Saturday: NOTHING

Now, this may be the official schedule, but let's not discount the assanine shows that I'll watch randomly, such as Wife Swap, America's Next Top Model, The Soup, Best Week Ever, Any stupid MTV or VH1 reality show (Why do I love the Real World/Road Rules challenge, or I Love Money? I'm 32 years old for God's sake!). I'm also a sucker for a marathon. I LOVE anything on Bravo, hello....Project Runway? Top Design? Sheer Genius? And don't get me started on E! Luckily, I haven't formed an addiction to the Law and Order/CSI series', but that doesn't mean that I won't watch it if I catch it! AND...WHY do they start another epison without a commercial break? It's brilliant, but bad all at the same time. Seriously people...I'm sick.
I need to go pick up a book before my brain turns to mush and my ass gets wider than it already is.

America's Funniest Home Videos.....

Is the funniest show on Easth! I could seriously watch this show all night. There is no such thing as too many crotch shots, little kids falling asleep in their food, or cats attacking things. I'll even put of with Tom Bergeron for the trade off of funny!

Chris...my soulmate...and soul-sucker

So, there is this blooger that I really "get". Check out dooce.com if you want some hilarity in your life. She is one of those writers that I think I want to be friends with (but it's a little too creepy for me to randomly drive to Utah just to fake a casual meeting a Whole Foods). I think Chris gets a little tired of me saying "so..today Dooce said", and "that Dooce is so funny". She's pregnant, so I feel even more connected to her (in a non-creepy way). Anyways...she recently did this meme about her significant other. And while I just pledged my love for Dooce, the real love of my life is my partner...Chris. So, in honor of Chris (and Dooce), I'm going to do this meme too....just a couple of days late for Valentine's Day.

What are your middle names?
My middle name is Lynn. Chris's is Michael.

How long have you been together?
We've been married three and a half years, together over 6.

How long did you know each other before you started dating?
Hmm, well we had a few chance encounters starting in 2000, but he was hitting on waitresses and my friend thought that he was gay...so I counted him out (and told my friend to "go for it"). We reconnected in 2002 and started dating.

Who asked whom out?
Well...after making out on Halloween, I asked him out. I called him and said "if you're willing to make the drive to Kalamazoo, I'm willing to make dinner". He said "sure...I'm definitely on the dating prowl".

I still had him over, even after telling me in not so many words that he was a predator.

How old are each of you?
I'm 32, he's 34.

Whose siblings do you see the most?
If you mean "physically see", then I guess we see Chris's stepbrothers and sisters more because they live the closest (and we celebrate lots of birthdays!), but we "see" my sisters more via Skype. I wish we could see my brother more, but he's on the east side, and not on the computer as much.

Which situation is the hardest on you as a couple?
Well, if you don't count the time that I thought he gave me gonorrhea, then it's probably money...just like 80% of the couples in the world. Although, we don't really fight about it anymore...it's just stressful.

Did you go to the same school?
What school in Michigan did Chris NOT go to? We both attended GVSU. I went there from 1995-2000, and Chris went there from 1997-1998 (we didn't know each other) and again from 2005-2008 (for his MEd).

Are you from the same home town?
Nope..Chris is from here in good ole' GR. I'm from Romulus, which is almost like living in two different worlds, even if they are in the same state.

Who is smarter?
Depends on the subject. I'm much more theoretical. Chris is a more technical. He can work a computer or a TV, or any other machine like a wiz, but can't spell to save his life. I'm technically stupid, but can spell and write laps around him.

Who is the most sensitive?
Sensitive...like could cry over Taco Bell?...hmm....that would be me.

Where do you eat out most as a couple?
We go lots of places...if it's with the family...we usually go somewhere that can handle Avery...like a mess hall. If it's just the two of us, then we go to Carabbas or someplace downtown.

Where is the furthest you two have traveled together as a couple?
Spain for our Honeymoon. (actually...we went to the Canary Islands, which is closer to Africa than Spain)

Who has the craziest exes?
It would have to be me. I won't name names, but I don't think any of his exes cyberstalked him, or filled his e-mail box with over 1000 spam e-mails. Or, showed up at his house on Christmas Eve...and wouldn't leave. Or...maybe they did, and he blocked it out. I do know that one of his exes would go a little crazy if he called the self-check lanes at Meijer a "scan n' bag", as opposed to it's proper name of "U-Scan".

Who has the worst temper?
Did you ever hear of the time that I told Chris that I wanted to punch him in the face and push him in a lake? No...well, I did...and it wasn't pretty. If he ever does lose his temper, then I have to finish the fight for him...just ask him about the time I almost got in a fight with a woman bowler at the bar.

Who does the cooking?
Definitely me. I love to cook. Chris will occasionally make something "gourmet", which means he uses sour cream in his Kraft Mac N' Cheese.

Who is the neat-freak?
Unfortunately...neither of us.

Who is more stubborn?
Me (whoa...this survey is really pointing out my character flaws!)

Who hogs the bed?
Lately...it's Avery, although I think she learned the bed-hogging from her father!

Who wakes up earlier?
Chris wakes up about 1/2 hour earlier for work.

Where was your first date?
Techinally...it was my house. Our second date was in Columbus, OH where we were randomly at two different conferences in the same city.

Who is more jealous?
Neither of us. I don't get jealous. He knows...if he cheats...I'm gone, so there is no reason to be jealous!

How long did it take to get serious?
Not long. We knew pretty early on, that it was "right".

Who eats more?
Chris eats more in one setting, but I'm the bigger snacker.

Who does the laundry?
We both do, but I'm more likely to toss clothes in the washer/dryer. The better question would be, "who puts the laundry away", and the answer would be "neither of us".

Who's better with the computer?
Chris is...no doubt about it. He's a wiz! I'm computer illiterate.

Who drives when you are together?
Chris does. I'm a self-proclaimed bad driver! I don't like driving, and if it weren't for my need for independence, I would never drive.

Feel free to answer some or all of the same questions about your significant other in the comments, or leave a link to your website if you prefer answering there.

Last of the embarassing saga.....

OK, so I'll name this installment of "only you Michele", as my Painful years. Here is a list (in no particular order), of times that I have hurt myself in some ridiculous matter.

1.) I broke three toes while chasing my sisters around the kitchen table. They were 5, and I was 18. I rammed my feet into the table base...and it HURT. My mom's first reaction was to laugh at me. The next day, she made me go to school without taking me to the Dr. I ended up going to the clinic, who referred me to the hospital for x-rays. My mom had meetings, so I had to drive myself to the emergency room....also painful!

2.) Also while in high school, I slipped at work and landed with both of my forearms on the HOT GRILL...causing 2nd degree burns on both of my arms. The next day, I went to King's Island...high on Tylonol 3....and rode all the rides! It was painful, but FUN!

3.) In college, I was rollerblading for the first time that year. I decided to visit some friends in their room (which was downstairs). I successfully bladed down up a few steps, then downstairs to their room. While standing (yes...just standing) in their room, I fell...and broke my leg...and spent the next 3 months in a cast.

Right after I had my cast taken off, I played summer softball on a team with my mom. Because I was running on a VERY WEAK leg that hadn't been used in 3 months, I ended up pulling my quad muscle. My mom yelled at me because I wasn't running fast enough. She almost got us kicked out of the church league.

4.) Chris and I spent 2 weeks driving to Seattle during our first summer dating. On our trip home, we stopped in Yellowstone, and drove about 1 hour north of the park to go on a "cowboy horseride". After the ride was over, I decided to change from my tennis shoes back into sandles. While I was kicking off my tennis shoe with my bare foot, I caught my big toenail on the shoe and tore it off. Well, I didn't exactly tear it off, It was still attached at the base, and stood at a 90 degree angle. We had to drive 2 hours to make it to the nearest open clinic in the park (while making a few scenic stops on the stops...hey...we were only going to be there for a day). They numbed my foot, and removed the nail. I cried...but not as hard as I cried the next day when we had to change the bandage. I begged Chris to take me to the hospital to numb my foot again so that I could change my band-aid. What can I say??? I'm a little dramatic.

Another Stupid Michele Moment.....

Here are three from grad school at NCSU...

1.) I ran over a curb with my car...and blew out a tire (I wasn't trying to avoid anything, I just wasn't paying attention). I'm a horrible driver.

2.) I made rice krispie treats for my students for Valentine's Day. Because I'm cute and a little sick, I colored them pink and purple and cut them into heart shapes. Well, after using the cookie cutter, there was some leftover "treat", in all pink and purple. I ate the leftovers for quite awhile, until I completely lost track of how much I had eaten. Before long, I felt sick....and more sick...and threw up...pink and purple rice krispie treats. Needless to say....rice krispies don't feel good coming up. I called my mom and blamed her for sending all the way to North Carolina...and making my sick. Yup...I'm ridiculous.

3.) While walking across the brickyard (a big open space made of brick...on the way to the library) at NCSU on a quiet Sunday, I saw a sweet little three legged squirrel with only 1/2 of a tail. I watched it hobble across the bricks, and thought "wow...how swe..." my thought was totally interrupted by a HUGE HAWK that swept down, scooped up the squirrel and flew away. I screamed out loud! I looked at the other 2 people on the brickyard and yelled "I just saw the CIRCLE OF LIFE!" They looked at me like I was stupid, and I stood stupified for a minute until continuing on my way to the library.

More Ridiculousity....

Why is it that when I go to my "woman doctor", I fold up my unmentionables and tuck them between my other clothes? Seriously...Dr. Wolf is preparing to look directly at my vagina and to feel up my boobs, but God forbid I let her see my bra and underwear.

Pardon the interruption...

I will be back to the regularly scheduled posts regarding embarrassing moments again...but I have something pressing and I need your opinion!

I've said since before I was pregnant with this child, that I didn't want to find out the sex of the baby. Well, I'm starting to second guess it a little....just a little.

Here are my reasons...

Keep it a surprise! The emotional side of me likes to keep it a surprise. I figure that this is the going to be our last child and my last pregnancy, so it would be nice to do it differently than when I had Avery...just to have 2 different experiences. I'm having a scheduled C-Section, so it would be nice to have at least one thing as a surprise!

-OR-

Find out! The practical side of me really wants to know just so I can plan. I mean...I'll miss garage sale season...my favorite time of the year! If I am having a boy, then I miss out on 2 garage sale opportunities! I miss out on selling my girl's cloths, and I miss out on stocking up on boy stuff!

I've posted a poll on the right hand scroll bar. Please weigh in...and leave comments! I need all the help I can get.

Arghh...oh the decisions!

Cars+Michele=Mess

Here's ridiculous story number 2 (actually, a couple of stories that all involve cars). You see, cars and I have a checkered past.

I think my issues with cars started when I was only about 2, and stuck my head out the window to wave good bye to my Grandma. My mom rolled up the window, while my head was still out. The funny thing...is that we didn't have automatic windows...so, how in the world could this happen? Maybe this story is more of a picture of an issue with my mom as opposed to cars.

My hate affair with cars continued until I was 15 3/4 and got my learners permit. Only 2 days after I got my permit, my dad let me drive to church. I backed the van out of the driveway, and backed directly into the truck. Yup...I managed to not only crash one car, but 2! Genius.

College posed some interested car challenges for me. I won't mention the multiple times the I got my 1982 Monte Carlo stuck in the snow. Instead, I'll talk about the time that I blew up my car. During my 3rd year, my friend and I went shopping to get supplies for a toga party. As I came out of Target, an older man told me that my car was leaking anti-freeze...or radiator fluid...or some other liquid. He told me that I should be able to make it back to campus, but would need to get it fixed. Well, as I turned onto campus, my car stalled. I pulled over, and noticed little fireballs dripping from under my car. I made a stupid decision to open the hood, and flames shot out. I grabbed a water bottle (with about 4 ozs of water in it) to try and put it out. I realized it wasn't going to help, and started backing away from the car with my friend...just as the front tire exploded. I grabbed my friend and yelled "hit the ground"! I pushed the two of us into the muddiest ditch. We were covered in mud and my car was on fire. Luckily, someone stopped to help us, and we made it home safe. The toga supplies were lost in the fire, and my once red Dodger turned black...not cool.

Or...there was the time that I left my car running with the keys locked inside during a 3 hour class....in downtown Grand Rapids...stupid.

There was also the time that I got a flat tire in Lansing, and as opposed to just throwing away the blown tire, I also tossed the wheel to the tire. That was a costly lesson.

How about the time that I got hit my a car in grad school..by one of my residents. I had toOr crawl off the road, because I thought she was going to finish me off.

I also screamed and thought someone was stealing my car, all because I left my lights on, and saw the fog lights on. I thought someone was backing out of the parking spot (at Michaels of all places) and threw myself behind the car and yelled "stop, don't steal my car". I saw that no one was in the car, and slinked over to the driver's side..but not before a woman shooed her daughter away from me, and I heard her say "don't look at her, she's a little crazy."

Any stupid car stories that you can share?

A Series of Unfortunately Funny Events.....

My dad always says that "the only thing dumber than doing something stupid, is telling others about it". Well, in that regard...I'm pretty dumb. After I do something silly (and quickly look around to see if anyone saw me), I think"oh...this is going to be a FUNNY story. I can't wait to tell _______."

With that being said, I'm going to spend the rest of this week sharing some of the most ridiculous things that I've done or said, or still do....please feel free to laugh at my expense. Or, if you've known me for awhile, feel free to remind me of stupid things I've done, and I'll put it in here!

In my previous life in Higher Ed, it was typical to share embarrassing moments. Here is my old stand-by:

While in high school, I attempted to ski for the first time. I ended up going down a hill that was too advanced for me (considering, I didn't know how to go slow, or how to stop). Needless to say, when I got about 3/4 down the hill, I realized that there was no where for me to "glide to a stop". If I looked to the left, there was a line of people. To the right....the woods. I had no choice, so I ended up going full speed into a bright orange snow fence.

I hit the fence, and was thrown back while getting my feet tangled into the fence. The fence dragged me down, through the snow, by my feet, all the while dragging my coat, shirt, and bra up past my chest...pinning my arms above my head. So, I was stuck...naked from the waist up, and I couldn't do a thing about it. My feet were stuck in the fence, and my arms were pinned in my clothes. I was laying there in the cold snow...exposing myself to the entire line of people waiting for the ski lift. My friend ran to help me...and started at my FEET...um...no thanks, how about covering my boobs first! When he finally peeled my coat down a little, everyone was looking at me...and one guy had the guts to say "dude...awesome wipe-out".

and..that's the first and last time I ever skied.

Friday Quotables...part tres...

This has been a slower week, considering I was holed up for two days. BUT, that doesn't mean that there haven't been some gems in the mix.

This one happened a couple of weeks ago, but I forgot it last week.

Me: Cal, what do you want to be when you grow up?
Cal: A garbage truck man.
Me: Sounds great Cal. Avery, what do you want to be when you grown up?
Avery: I be Avery.
Cal: Do you want to be a ballerina?
Avery: Yeah, I'll be a ballerina.
Me: That's great Av, then we'll come see you dance and bring you flowers.
Cal: That's perfect, because when the flowers go rotten, I'll come and pick them up in my garbage truck.
Me: A match made in heaven.


Me: Hey kids, do you want to watch a movie?
Avery: I'll pick...
(I pick her up and let her peruse the DVD collection. After a few minutes...I start prodding)
Me: How about Monsters Inc?
Avery: Too sca-y
Me: How about Little Mermaid?
Avery: Too sca-y
Me: How about Cinderella?
Avery: Too sca-y
Me: OK Av, which movies isn't too scary?
Avery: Monster's Inc.


(Every night before bed)
Me: Good night Avery
Avery: You.Will.Miss. Me!
Me: Yup...every night.


(While laying in bed, sick)
Avery: You no feel good?
Me: Nope, Avery, Mama's sick.
Avery: (gives me a hug and kiss) Now, you feel better?


Gosh, I love these kids!

Sick Sicky Sick...

I've been ill. Really nasty ill. Yesterday, I spent the entire day, from 10am -8pm in the guest bedroom, lying in bed with no lights on and no TV. The only times I got up were for frequent trips to the rest room. It was horrible. Luckily, some folks came to the rescue. Our neighbor across the street (THANK YOU MISSY), was able to take Cal for most of the day, which both Cal and her kids enjoyed. Chris came home from work early, and took care of everything else. You know, something that I never thought of when becoming a stay at home mom, was that there are no such things as "sick days". Usually, I just have to power through and deal, but yesterday was not "dealable". To make matters worse, I've recently "popped", which means that a lot of my organs have shifted upwards, thanks to the baby and my rapidly growing belly. So, let me just say...having your stomach closer to your throat when sick like this is NOT an advantage. It felt like I had horrible heartburn all day, and I couldn't get comfortable. HORRIBLE

After a diet of 4 saltines, 3 bites of Mrs. Grass's soup, and a couple of glasses of water all day yesterday....needless to say, I was weak today. I choked down a couple of crackers today, and finally had a little dry spaghetti for dinner..and I think I might be better by tomorrow. Hopefully, I'll sleep well tonight and wake up raring to go in the morning.

Seriously, my saving grace in this whole ordeal was Chris. He was amazing. He took over everything, and I didn't have to lift a finger. He made lunch for the kids, put Avery down for the nap and to bed, and kept the kids out of my sick room, all while playing nursemaid to me...he was saintly.

This is the second time I've had this stomach flu, and it better be the last, at least during this pregnancy. I can't take this nastiness again.

On a completely unrelated note...Avery is becoming a pretty high-maintenance kid. As I type this, she is laying on the ottoman while Chris rubs her feet. She also requests that I put her blankies in the dryer "to warm it up a lil' bit". Don't get me started on her wardrobe lately. If it doesn't include "soft pants", then don't even mention it. I always said that I wanted a kid with personality...I guess I should be careful what I wish for.

Character in a Character

These have been our favorite books for while...



Now, they made it into a show on Nickelodeon. Olivia is so sweet, and funny. I am assuming that this was based off of a real Olivia, or at least I hope so. I hope that a child exists with this much personality! I especially love it when she imparts her "life lessons", such as "Rule #452: When your mom is having a baby, and asks you whether you want a brother or sister....you don't always get what you want."

This is especially poignant, since just yesterday, I asked Avery whether she wanted mommy to have a little brother or a little sister...and she said "Little Brother". Then, I asked her what she wanted to name her little brother and she said "Sister". So, according to Avery, she will be having a little brother named Sister. Sorry kid...you don't always get what you want.