Sunday, January 25, 2009

How to Test your Relationship 101

About 3 weeks ago, I was told that I had Gonorrhea.

Do I have your attention?

About a week after my first pregnancy appointment (the one where the baby was hiding in the front of my uterus..when I freaked out...remember that?) I got a call to say that one of my tests came by "positive", and that the Dr. wanted to see me again to retest. I went along with it and scheduled my appointment for a week later. Just before I hung up, I asked ", what was I "positive" for?" (I assumed wasn't anything big)...anyways, she answered "Gonorrhea". Um....what? Gonorrhea?...HOW COULD THAT BE? So, I nonchalantly ask ", this may be naive, but how does someone get Gonorrhea?" I was told that the ONLY way to get this was through an infected partner....CHRIS! And, I know that I didn't have this at my last appointment.

So, what I'm being told, is not only that I have a nasty STI, but that my monogamous, and loving husband is the one that gave it to me? Chris is devoted, and is NOT a cheater, and when would he have the time to be with someone else, and it doesn't make sense and... I'M GOING TO KILL HIM!

I wait until he gets home, and I say "So...did you give me Gonorrhea?" He is shocked and stunned, and we spend some time looking it up on the internet. I KNOW that Chris hasn't cheated, but when a doctor calls and says "we have scientific proof that your husband has been with someone else," (at least that's what I heard) It makes you wonder. Now, for the first time, I have .0001 % doubt in Chris. I've never thought about it before. Chris isn't the cheater...if anyone would cheat, it would be me (because I have men falling over themselves to get a glimpse of me in my cartoon pajama bottoms). I KNOW that this isn't can't be.

So, needless to say, the next two weeks were CRAZY! I was able to put it out of my mind for most of the time (because...seriously...this is Chris we're talking about). I did find myself checking the clock a little more after school, and thinking things like "'s 3:30, Chris is usually home by 3:15...who is he with?", or..."does it REALLY take you 7 minutes to shovel the sidewalk?"

Finally, I had a the appointment, and then had to wait another week before I got the results! WHAT THE HECK!!!! I had a minor breakdown with my Dr. (where I may or may not have told her that I was breaking up with her), and she reassured me that there are false positives all the time, especially in situations like ours.

Needless to say...I don't have Gonorrhea (seriously, how many times can I type that word?). Chris and I are able to laugh about it, and it's behind us. I'm more sure than ever that Chris will never cheat on me...especially when I told him..

"If this next test comes back positive, then Gonorrhea will be the least of your penis's concerns."


CMB said...

When I first found out I started to chuckle because of how ridicules this was, until I saw Michele's face...there is no way this could be possible unless she cheated and there is no way in hell that's the case. How do you convince your wife you aren't a cheater when the Dr says you are. Holy crap that was a tense two weeks.

I made her take it back.
I'm not a player...I have zero game...ask my wife.


Heather said...

I find this mildly funny but not really. I'm VERY glad it was a false positive and that both of you have that much faith in one another. Travis and I went through a similar scare after Sophia was born. Only it's cervical cancer and a true positive. I don't have it but I'm EXTREMELY close to it and.... yeah it's definitely a test.

I'm glad all is well. When I first started reading this my heart just sank to my knees. At the end there was a HUGE sigh of relief.

Stay healthy mama!!

tania said...

I laughed out loud while reading this (but saved the hardest laughing for the end when you said it was a false positive). I knew it was going to end with either an "oops, we mixed up your test results with someone else" or something similar, because I know you both too well and you couldn't possibly have contracted gonorrhea! If it makes you feel better, I didn't know it was possible to get a false positive for gonorrhea so your post taught me something :-)

Willo said...

Ha ha ha! I never thought anyone could make Gonorrhea so funny! I love the part about men falling over to catch you in your cartoon pj bottoms. And I am glad you and Chris are ok. That was almost as bad as the time we were playing the roommate game and he forgot your birthday...twice.

CMB said...

Now Willow...let's not bring up old times...Michele and I have moved on...uh..or at least forgot that little insident.


Lisette said...

LOL... That is crazy! I think I'd be freaking out too!

tania said...

Ummm... Michele? How much of a coincidence is it that the Google ad on the right side of your blog says "California Gonorrhea Test: 400 Same Day Gonorrhea Testing Sites in California." (!!) I'm sure the ad changes every time you refresh the page, so it might not be there for long...

MLDB said...

After reading your comment, I looked at the ad, and it wasn't for gonorrhea anymore. IT WAS FOR HERPES! Talk about type-casting.